Mental Health is a Struggle

 Mental Health is a Struggle   It is never ending!

I felt urged to write.   My story is messy and includes my husband and my daughter.   My adult children do not live at home, so is is just three of us in our home.

Fresno County mental health is in need of an urgent overhaul.   Sarah checked herself into Exodus last night after a fun day in Bakersfield for my niece's birthday party.   Nothing happened... nothing was wrong when she went out on her skateboard.  She called 911 herself and did not use the services the county provides for us - Central Star Wraparound.   She stayed overnight and they called this morning to pick her up.  

 I talked to the man that called me from Exodus and he said he is sorry that there are not more services that can help Sarah.   I told him this is her third visit to a mental place this week.   She was at Saint Agnes twice and then to Exodus.   It is like a hotel for her.   I asked if there was a behavioral facility they could send her to?   Nope, they are releasing her.  What do I get to do as a parent?   Drive over and get her.   I have zero choice because they will call CPS if we do not get her within 2 hours.   Another fun note is that they can charge us for neglect.   

She is suicidal one minute and then the next minute she is not. California Mental health facilities go by what she tells them.....not her history...not how many times she has been placed there...not how many times the cops have been out....not how many bruises I have or my husband.....not how many times she has eloped from school or our home....not how many holes we have in the walls or broken items in our home.    Let me say it again....mental health in Fresno County goes by what Sarah says.    

I have been told so much advice from family, friends, cops, wraparound, cps...the list goes on and on.

Let's see:    CPS continues to state that the best place they can offer Sarah is in our home, press criminal charges, find her a place to go, keep searching for a place, give her back, there has to be a place somewhere, boot camp, drop her off at juvenile hall, don't go pick-her up,  how can you press charges?  I have heard it all and there is NO solution for Sarah and our family.   We have lots of support from friends and family.   We left church because they can not handle her.   Her last buddy at church quit after going to youth group with her twice.   Church people run when they hear her story, lies, and manipulation.   Her teacher told her that heaven already passed her by.   

My husband and I are abused if we leave her in our home and we do not have a normal life.  We have respite that comes in an gives us relief on Friday nights.    If we actually do find a facility for her, then she is institutionalized.   We press charges and she has a record.     The school district has applied to all the residential placements on their list.   There is not a locked facility in the USA that will take her.   I applied over the summer at 15 residentials with AAP and all the places denied Sarah.  The residential paperwork is about 3-5 hours each.   They stated,  "she is too acute"   I tried to find a new psychiatrist and spent hours filling out paperwork.   I went to the appointment and after an hour the psychiatrist said she was too complex for her.   We are on a wait list for a psychiatrist in Visalia...maybe February they can see her.   

What is Sarah doing now while I am blogging?   She went out skating.   She is probably doing drugs or stealing stuff.   You say.   You shouldn't let her go.   LOL   Please come and try that with her.   We have concluded that we can not parent Sarah.  We just have a home for her when she decides to lay her head here.    It is sad, but true.   We love her and continue to pray for her.   Please pray with us.   Psalm 46:1 God is our refuge and strength.   A very present help in trouble. 

She is back at Exodus   She told the on-call wraparound lady she was going to jump off the parking garage.   I was told to call 911 because they don’t calll 😫😫  

A Time to Cry and Blog

 2020 has been quite the year.  September 2019 started a journey for our family.   A journey I thought we would encounter some day in the future,  I just didn't know it would be sooner than we ever imagined.   86 Days in the first RTC (Residential Treatment Center) and Day 270 at my daughter's current RTC.  Sarah left and was only 13 years old and she is out-of-state at a locked facility.   

I have struggled to blog in quite sometime.   It is therapeutic.   Maybe people care what I have to say and maybe not.   It is just a jumble of my thoughts going out into the world.   I personally struggle just getting through some days.   Some days are definitely better than others.   I went back to work and that has given me some focus.  My heart and brain are in constant turmoil.  My reliance on God has grown daily.  I stay-up thinking about what I can do to help Sarah.  I wrestle with God and continue to beg for healing for her and just to get me through the next day.  I will research for hours and there are no answers or maybe there are answers... I just don't want to accept them.   I place my hope in God.   I know there can be healing.   Honestly, I want Sarah home with her family.   I have continued to fight the system (school district) kicking and screaming and questioning everything.   I'm sure they are sick of me.  We signed away our rights once we signed the IEP stating we agreed to residential care.    I have met with an attorney, counselor, top CUSD special ed admin, psychologist, advocate, therapist, and discussed the process with many parents that are going through the same thing.   Thank-you Facebook for a group that is nonjudgmental.  There are just no answers other than leaving her in a residential treatment center. I have to accept this for now.   

Well, I finally received the answer I have been praying about and begging for... the school district agreed to a two week home visit.   We can see how much progress Sarah has made.  Maybe she can just stay home and not go back. YES!!  The excitement about the visit filling my days.   I did not tell Sarah until two days before she was to leave.   I planned, hired a tutor, and made charts to follow.  I talked to our horse lesson coach and our new church's youth pastor.   I have been reading books to prepare.   I knew we were prepared for her to come home.   

Sarah was so excited when we told her during counseling.  She came home and within 12 hours Sarah was telling us she wanted to go back and she didn't want to be home.   The balloon quickly deflated in my brain and then we went into survival mode for the next 12 days.  We discussed with the therapist and school district.   Nobody was ready to pull the plug for her to go back.   Everyone was one the edge of their seat hoping Sarah would settle down and enjoy her stay.   Everyone wanted to see the progress. I wanted to see her progress.  

The behaviors we experienced were the same as last December.   She also came with extra behaviors... self-harming, pulling out chunks of hairs, she says she is disassociated, and discussion of being non-binary (whatever the heck that is).   My heart hurts that she will eventually come home with more issues than when she left.  

One long story I will leave you with and you may not want to hear because it is about our old church.  I will make the statement that I do not in anyway blame the church for Sarah's issues.  I am so thankful to our new church.   They were willing to take Sarah in just as she is and accept her.   Sarah would have none of that even though I did convince her to jump on the Zoom call with their youth group.   She then realized that their were kids actually at the church and that went over like a lead balloon.   She wanted to go to her old youth group.   The church we thought we would be attending forever, but left because of the issues she had in their youth group.   Sarah begged to call her Life Group leader from our old church.   I reluctantly agree.  She talked to Sarah a few minutes and we got through the first week without Sarah flipping out about not going to the youth group.   She did one day however jump out of my car and run into the old church.   No call to us from the church to let us know she was there.   I drove around the church, parked, and went into to retrieve her.  They weirdly had her in a room talking to her with two people.   So, yes that happened.   I abruptly took her.  

Some history before Sarah left for RTC....   Sarah told the youth group that we were sending her away and they believed her.  They told Sarah that your parents would never send you away.  They didn't bother to call or talk to us about what Sarah was going through.   The youth pastor text my husband HAHA when Fred told them she was leaving for another state.   Yes, that happened.   We have not heard from them.   They did not call or ask how Sarah was doing at any point.   This is hard to explain to a daughter with ASD.   The people that she thinks care about her well being do not.   Adoptive kids do not deal well with rejection.   

The worse day on her home visit was a Tuesday.....   I was working and Fred was working.   The tutor didn't come because Sarah was crying about her foot hurting.   We had therapy with Sarah's therapist early afternoon and we had to tell her that she was not able to attend youth group that night.   The church said no.   They didn't ask us to attend with her, they just said NO.  Sarah was clearly upset.    Sarah went off on her bike with the GPS tracker.   She dropped the tracker in front of  our friend's house.   Fred realized she wasn't moving and went to get her.   She dropped the tracker on the ground.   We both started driving around looking for her.   My son came and we were all going to start looking for her...I said while don't I call that old church.   Sure enough the girl that answered the phone said she was there.   Yep, no call from the church that they had her safe.   Fred went to get her.   Fred walked into the lobby with the reception, two pastors, and two ladies that we didn't know.   Sarah went to these ladies house and then the ladies took her in their car to the church.   Sarah got into a stranger's car and nobody from the church thinks this is a problem.    The pastor said that Sarah's safety plan was that they call the police.   Fred told them that was a year ago and that is not our safety plan.  The pastor didn't seemed to grasp that we haven't been to this church in over a year.  Fred asked them not to call the police because she was going back to her facility the next day.   Fred had to go back to these ladies house to get Sarah's bike.   The lady grabbed the bike and would not let Fred take it.  The lady told Fred that she was concerned about Sarah.  uhhhh ok lady, like we aren't concerned.   He finally came home with Sarah.   All our kids were here and Sarah came out with her stuffies and was playing with her brothers.   She went into her room.   Fred went and got dinner and came home.   I went into her room and she was gone.   She left out her window and over the locked fence.   We got in the car and went to these ladies house (strangers) and Sarah was sitting on the porch with them.   I flipped my lid.   Looking back I wished I would of called the police on these ladies.   Why are they holding my daughter hostage?   Who knows why Sarah keeps going there and telling them who knows what?   The lady and her daughter looked at me and my husband like we are evil.   Judgement!!   The lady was on the phone with the pastor again.   I screamed at the lady THAT WE DON'T GO TO THAT CHURCH ANYMORE AND IT IS NOT THEIR BUSINESS.   Ok I don't even know what else I said.   I was so pissed off that they would not even tell Sarah to go home with us.  They were like hovering over her to protect her.   I left Fred there and walked home.   Fred stood out by the car and just continued to tell Sarah to come home with him.   He was thankful I got pissed off.   He finally brought her home and then two police officers show-up.   They asked if we were her parents.   WTF   Don't they have the long list of the 22 times they have been out at our house.   Don't they look at this information.   I guess not because Fred had to show them a drivers license to prove he was the dad.   Sarah showed them her self-harming marks on her arms and off they took her in the ambulance to Exodus holding facility.   So, basically she knows now that is all she has to do to get herself into the hospital.   Honestly, the police officers were doing there job and super nice!!   

I struggle wrapping my brain around a church that responds like this.   The pastors don't even know our story or our journey.   They haven't asked.   They were more concerned about how these two ladies felt than anything we have gone through or what Sarah has gone through.   Bottom line we left that church. Oh, and they still have not called to see how Sarah is doing.  We feel judged by them and honestly at this point I could care less.   We know our story and our journey.   

Will we have to go through this when she actually comes home to stay?   We went into adoption because of our love for children.   We never thought in a million years we will have endured what we have gone through and what Sarah has had to endure.   We are not sure of our future either.   I do know that I continue to trust God.   God has a plan for us and Sarah.   I will put my faith in him and where this journey will take us.   

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.  

A Summer Day!! Help!!

First thing in the morning, Sarah woke-up and stated she doesn't feel good.   I told her that we needed to go out to take care of her horse and she could ride.   She tells me she is not going.   We finally left an hour later and it was already 85 degrees.    I asked her to get the halter and get Ginger ready to ride.   She refused to go get the halter because she is scared of the mice.   I go get the halter and put Ginger on the hot walker.   I start cleaning the stall and Sarah miraculously gets Ginger ready to ride.  She takes her out and lunges her.   Sarah doesn't feel good and doesn't want to ride.   I gave Ginger a rinse and put her up.   I guess Sarah feels better because she is playing with the frogs.

I decide to stop by Target.   Sarah is being pretty good as we shop.   She already had some colored pencils and clay in the cart.   We are looking at the long lines and then Sarah decides to pitch a fit about a cloth belt she wants.   She continues to ask me over and over for the belt.   I continued to be firm and tell her No.   She says her belts hurt her and I still said No.  Ok pretty much everyone is staring at us and I just pray we can just get out of the store.   The cashier was super nice.   Sarah must of asked at least 10 more times about the belt before we left.   I'm sure everyone there had advice of how I should of handled the situation differently. 

Behavior people came over for an intake interview.   Sarah continued her enhanced behavior for 2 more hours.   She had the white clay we bought at Target all over the table and her hands.   Sarah was signing some of the paperwork and got white clay all over.   It was a long meeting and Sarah seemed to enjoy the attention.

I took Sarah out swimming.   She found a frog in the pool and started playing with it.   She was talking like a baby and yelling "Bean, Bean, Bean"   "Mommy it is my friend."  over and over.   She insisted on taking the frog in the house to be her pet.   We already told her last weekend, No frogs in the house.   She continued on and on about the frog.   She snuck it in and put it with Stuckie.   I started getting it out of the tank and she started whining about keeping the frog.   She finally put the frog outside and I watched it climb back in the pool.   She called Dad to see if the frog could live in the water.   I'm texting Fred, "No Stop Talking about it".   I tried calling him and he wouldn't answer.   I knew Sarah was going to freak out about the frog dying in the pool.   This frog episode went on for about two hours.   Sarah continued to talk about the frog like a baby until she went to sleep.

This is one of our first days of summer.   I need the shirt that says, "Countdown to School Starting"   No joke!!   She goes to camp next week and I'm praying she will last a few days before getting sent home.   I'm in a parenting lull lately.   I need to continue to rely on God and slay those dragons tomorrow.

UC Davis Mind Institute

We have tried to pursue all medical treatment for Sarah.   Sarah's pediatrician asked me if we had been to the Mind Institute.   I told her we have not been there.  She said, "Wouldn't you want to go to the best place?"   I checked with our psychiatrist to see if it was something we should pursue and he agreed.   I made the appointment.

Traveling to Sacramento was difficult and Sarah had a meltdown (outburst) an hour before we arrived.   I found a Chevy's to eat at and that seemed to make her happy.   My cousin was supposed to meet us, but she ended up being sick.   Sarah had it in her brain that we were going to a big city, so we should go shopping.   We drove around a bit and tried to find a store.  We stopped and ran into what we thought was an art store, nope a print shop.  We were unsuccessful and Sarah was disappointed even though I never agreed to go shopping.   We finally headed over to the research hospital.

We arrived and checked-in and immediately Sarah was playing with the babyish toys.   I told her not to go outside and wait for her volunteer.   She ignored me and went outside.   I went to get her and a volunteer said she would play with her outside.   Sarah knows she can get away with more because she knows I will not want her too cause a scene.   She is definitely awesome at causing a scene to get her way. 

A social worker called me back and we started to discuss Sarah.   She asked why we were there and I stated that we were referred.   She asked why we were referred.   I kind of thought she should look at the referral.   We were at a research hospital and I personally want some research for Sarah.   She stated that Sarah already has a diagnosis for autism (ASD) and that is what they would do for her.   So, let me get this straight.... I drove all the way up here for you to tell me you can't do anything for Sarah.   I pursued the issue and asked if they had any studies, new medical treatment, or innovative treatment.   She said, "No it looks like you have done everything for Sarah."   We are supposedly, as per the pediatrician, at the best research hospital and they have nothing for Sarah.  She felt bad and said Sarah could have a genetic blood test.   I let her know Sarah had already had that test done.   She said we could be referred to a psychiatrist for a med check.   I agreed, but there is zero change of us driving up there for a med check.   Sarah already goes to an excellent psychiatrist. 

Yep, I cried most of the way home.   Sarah terrorized me in the car by beeping super loud in my hear, randomly clapping in the ear, and popping a bag in my ear.  All of these behaviors continued for three hours.

I guess we just keep doing what we are doing.   I'm pretty sure that I will be hesitant to go to anymore research hospitals or at least ask more questions before we go there.

Here is Sarah with a sweet foster puppy we babysat for the weekend.  

End of School Year

I'm definitely one of those parents that dread the end-of-the school year.   Any sort of change is hard for my kiddo.   Sarah needs structure and summers are just hard.   Her focus is what is next and it can literally drive you up the wall.  I need the calendar of Back to School Countdown.   I need the T-Shirt that says, "Hey take my kid back"!!

I wished schools would consider special needs kids and include them in the activities at the end-of-the-year.   I knew what Sarah was missing because I have three older sons.   I'm not sure that Sarah knew what she was missing.   I asked if she could go to the Wild Waters Trip and it was determined that she could not go.  She has a one-on-one aide and they still said No.    I think I just dropped the ball after that and just prayed for the last day of school.  I literally just wanted the school year to end.  I wished I had the energy to make a change for these kids.  Maybe someday!!

Thank-you to all those wonderful people that do make a difference.   Here is one of them with Sarah.   Thank-you Sheila for the unconditional love you have for kids!!!! 

Gooble Gooble

We spent our Thanksgiving with my sister and husband in Oxnard, California.   In my brain I was thinking it was a good idea to go a few extra days early.   Trevor was home from college and he went with us.    Sarah has been doing much better with her behaviors at home.   I thought...well it will nice for the family to see that she is doing better in some areas.   I'm pretty funny.   

Sarah loves going to my sister's house.   They have lots of things for her to look at and get into.   She is like a two-year-old in a candy shop at their home.   Sarah made these little pots of plants.   She basically went around the yard and cut off plants and put in the pots.   I guess we need a potting lesson.   Her cousin had fun doing it with her.   I'm pretty sure my sister is not going to be happy when she sees the plants cut in her yard.   Send me a bill Debra!!!

One funny story was she was playing with her younger cousins.   I believe they came to tell me she wouldn't play with them.   I went and found her looking at a Steam Punk book.   She told me it had nude pictures of women in it and the little kids couldn't look at them.   O.K.  she is twelve and can't look at the nude pictures either.   I took the book from her and she started getting super angry and cussing at me.   Did I mention we were at my sister's house and everyone was there?   Yes that is all true.   I took the book and hid it under a chair in the living room.   Of course, I teased my sister and brother-in-law about the book for the rest of the weekend.   

Another funny, not funny story was on Thanksgiving day.   There is a homeless man that shuffles his feet that sleeps under a tree by  my sister's house.   She took him a plate of food before we ate on Thanksgiving.   The little kids were all looking out the window.   Such a picture perfect moment.   O.K. later that day Sarah wanted her pajamas out of the car.   She grabbed my car keys and started going across the street to the car.   I followed her.   She was super angry and cussing at me.   I told her she could have the pajamas after she apologized and she darted off back across the street.   She was still cussing at me, hitting, and kicking.   I tried to grab her and she fell into the gutter of mucky water.   She was really angry and started hitting.   I picked her up and put her in the car and I started to drive off.   She jumped out of the car and ran off back to the house.  I continued to drive down the street and park to see what she would do.   I saw the homeless man leave and shuffle off down the street.   He didn't even want to be around some angry-cussing kid.   This was definitely not funny at the time, but we did get quite the chuckle later.    

The last hilarious story was we found a junky RV (jalopy) for sale.   We stopped and took a picture of it.   We sent it to everyone and told them we were buying it.   I told everyone about it at my sister's house.  I'm pretty sure I had a lot of people convinced that we bought it, but Todd came home and told everyone that we did not buy it.  I think we should of called the number and tried to pay them to let us take it for an hour.   The story would of been more convincing if we showed-up in it.  Sarah thought our idea was hilarious.   

Sarah enjoyed her time at the beach.   She put on her (too small) wet suit on and jumped in the ocean at every opportunity.  I'm pretty sure my sister and brother-in-law will not be hosting Thanksgiving next year.   They may need a chance to recover.   

Time to focus on the positives

It is the 6th week of home school for Miss Sarah.  It is time to focus on some positive happenings that are happening in her life right now. 

• Sarah seems happier most of the day
• Sarah has not been to the hospital
• Sarah has only ran off once
• Sarah has been completing her school work
• Sarah has been attending youth group Surge on Tuesday nights
• Sarah has been going to enrichment on Thursday mornings
• Sarah has been attending gymnastics at Break the Barriers
• Sarah has started piano
• Sarah went to a home school play group
• Sarah attending church on Sunday mornings - Surge 11:30
• Sarah started a 3D printing class at InnovEd
• Sarah loves doing unboxing and YouTube videos
• Sarah started a blog and vlog
• Sarah is happy!!!

God has been working in Sarah life.   

James 1:2 consider it pure JOY, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds