As I sat frustrated in church last Sunday, listening to another sermon about how I need to be in community. I need to be in a life group with community. I really just want to go scream at the pastor. Shut Up! I can't be in a life group. Thankfully I did not do that. Please walk a moment in my shoes and then tell me to go try be in a life group. The last time I tried to be in a women's Bible study I was called the 2nd meeting from my nanny. My nanny was telling me to come home because Sarah threatened her with a butter knife. I dropped out. How am I to focus on a study when I'm worried about my daughter hurting someone at home. Yes, the knifes are locked-up and most everything else is which is a whole other struggle. Sarah is creative and finds new things daily to get into.
I wear a bracelet on my wrist that says, HOPE. What does that mean to me? It means I will continue to have hope in the healing of Sarah. Do I believe it can happen? Yes, at times I do believe she can be healed and there are other times when my thoughts are different. I have to hang onto to the hope that she can be healed. My pursuit is to be her mom and continue to search out treatments that will help her. Do I know what I'm doing? No Do I give up? No I will not give up on her. Can you find joy and happiness in the midst of pure chaos? Absolutely! I am without a doubt all those things and more. The darkest times I reach out to God and he continue to lift me up and carries me through. Sometimes God is not there and I walk alone. I continue to question. Where are you God in the mist of this? Is this the life you have for Sarah? Sarah is my uniquely created daughter and her antics make me laugh. Definitely, belly laugh at times. I know her brain does work like other brains. I need to remember that constantly and believe me I am not perfect. I have not perfected.... not flipping out during some of her happenings. I guess I need PATIENCE on the other wrist.
I'll leave you with this story that still makes me giggle. During the Christmas holidays last year our cousins came to visit. Sarah was all about them and wanted to hang out with them every second. We went to Yosemite and Sarah wanted to ride with them. She was disappointed she had to sit with her brothers at dinner, but she managed to ride home with them in their car. We played games and Sarah was having lots of fun. I warned them to lock their door or she would just pop-in unannounced. Well, the next morning Catherine took a shower and went into the bedroom to get dressed. She didn't lock the door when she was in the shower. Sarah went into the bedroom and hid under the bed. She waited for Catherine and popped out from under the bed to scare her. I am not sure how funny Catherine thought it was, but in the mist of their whole visit I thought that was the funniest. It is so like Sarah.... my twirly girly!!
OK we recreated those!! LOL
Joshua 1:9 "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."
