Sarah has never met a person she doesn't want to be a friend!!

We went to Disneyland over Thanksgiving break.   We drove down on a Saturday and went to Disneyland with everyone on Sunday.   Eric and Kyle rode the bus back and we stayed for one more day.  The trip was sort of a success. You may not want to ask Fred.  It is difficult going to places with Sarah and it seems to become more and more difficult.   She wants to rule everyone and everything we do on our trip.  O.K. don't we all want to do that?   We just know better or try to know better.   

One of the things I noticed about Sarah is that she tries to make friends with everyone she meets.   I always tease that she tries to join other families.   She clearly does not have the social cues that most of us contain.   It seems to be the autistic spectrum disorder that most do not understand.   She will try to make eye contact with everything and say "HI" very awkwardly.   I guess it wasn't a huge deal when she was little, but seems odd now that she is eleven.   

She talked to one little girl for 45 minutes in the Radiator Springs Racers.   I tried monitoring what she was talking about and eventually just gave up and started talking to the girl's mom.  They were very nice.  We met another man in line that was going to the park by himself and he teased Sarah about going back to the end-of-the-line.   She eventually gave up talking to him.   We met another girl on the last day of our trip.   We were getting ready to board the bus to go back to the parking garage.   We walked-up and a twenty-something girl was wearing this big turkey hat.   Sarah thought it was hilarious and started talking to her.  Of course, she asked her to play the turkey hat over and over.   It played a song and danced around.   She continued talking with the girl and we learned it was her birthday.   How sad?   She went to the park by herself on her birthday.   I wished we would of met her earlier.  Sarah would of hung out with her all day. We also found out that her mom passed away when she was 11 (Sarah's age) and she always goes back on her birthday in remembrance of her mom.   I was so grateful for Sarah that her awkwardness encouraged us to talk to this girl.   I was thankful that girl had someone to talk to that day even though it was the end of her day at Disneyland by herself.   I'm remembering these sweet moments as Sarah had a huge meltdown today and had a 45 minute outburst.   I took her in the car and she hit, pinched, cussed, and screamed in my ear for 45 minutes.  I do not know what to do during those times, but I choose to sit hear and reflect on some great moments we had this week.  I choose to hope we can mend differences that everyone feels about Sarah's condition.   I pray we can come together to just love her as each of us do.  

I will continue to have hope for Sarah's future.  God knows her path and the plans he has for her and our family.   Please keep Jesus in your thoughts this Christmas Season and slow down to remember the moments no matter how small they may be.

Isaiah 40:31  but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.  

Thank-you for your service!!!

In lieu of Veteran's Day I post this story from this week.   I always take my daughter to The Beerock Shop after her psychiatrist appointment.   Today she forgot one shoe, so I had to take her into the restaurant with one shoe and the doctor.  It was funny because there were some old people in there that did a double take.  I chuckled and just continued to wait in line for our turn to order.   In the gist of our life it was pretty funny!!   We were standing in line and a lady walked-in in her military uniform and stood behind us.   Sarah noticed her and stopped dead in her tracks.   She turned around to the lady and said, "Thank-you for your service"   My heart just soared and felt like there was a glimmer of hope with this incredibly difficult child I was standing next to.   I was so proud of her.   Sarah whispered to me, "Was that nice Mommy?"   Absolutely girly!!!

I continue to pray for her healing.   I continue to pray for something that will help her in this life on earth.   God knows here path and I do not.   I'm along for the ride though......at times it is rocky, at times it is bumpy, at times it is joyful, at times it is funny, and like this day there is a glimmer of hope for Twirly Girly!!!

It all started with the Walmart app which led to Condoms!

My friend told me about the Walmart app.   I decided to try it and I was pleasantly impressed.   I ordered my groceries online, paid for them, selected a pick-up time, went to Walmart at my selected time, and they brought them to the car within 7 minutes.  I started telling everyone about how amazing this service is going to be for me.   I don't have to go grocery shopping with Sarah.  Well, the second time was a complete fail.   I choose a later pick-up time from 5-6.   We pulled in the designated stall and called the number.   I noticed there were quite a few cars there, but decided to wait it out.   Forty-five minutes later I was calling them to complain.  They told me that a lot of cars came at the wrong time and they were backed-up.  I was not happy that I was there at the correct time, but they still didn't bring my groceries out to my car.   I left without my groceries and decided not to go to another grocery store with Sarah because this was what I was trying to avoid in the first place by using the app.  

 Fast forward to the next night and I took Sarah to Vons.   I told her she had to stay with me in the store because she tends to run off and grab things we don't need.   There have been times she even grabbed a cart and filled it up with groceries.   We made it all the way thru the store to the extremely long check-out line and I forgot her Uncrustables.   I stupidly told her to go to the freezer aisle and try to find some.   Sarah was gone for a long time and came back with zero Uncrustables.  She told me she couldn't find them.   I went ahead and paid for our groceries and we left.  I know this story just gets longer and longer, but it gets worse.   

Thursday Fred sent me a picture of part of a condom wrapper from Sarah's bathroom.   I just thought maybe she found it at school.   She is known for filling up trash from school of various items.   Thursday night at dinner I asked her about the wrapper.   She got a funny look on her face and said she didn't know anything.   After continuous questioning she then said she got it from Vons.   I told her she didn't get it from Vons because I was with her the whole time (of which I wasn't).   She said she found a package opened and there were only two condoms in there.  She told us she took them.   Sarah went and got her phone and showed me a video she made about the condoms and safe sex.  (no I'm not posting the video.   I actually deleted it from her phone.   I'm pretty sure I don't need that on YouTube, even though it was quite hilarious).   Fred went into the bathroom and found the box and one more wrapper.   She was right there was one missing.   We now have have to take her back to the store to confess and pay for this box of Trojan condoms.   I mean we as in Fred is going to take her back to the store to confess to the manager.    

Hammer Time and I'm not talking the song!!!

     My nanny called me to come home last Monday.   She said that Sarah was acting out and misbehaving.   O.K. that was kind of an understatement.   I pulled around the corner..... Sarah was running across the street with a hammer in her hand.  The nanny was in her car with a horrified look on her face.   Sarah continued to swing the hammer around like she was going to hit her car.   I pulled in the driveway and ran over and took the hammer from Sarah.   I told her to go in the house.   The nanny left because I was unable to talk to her due to Sarah coming out of the house and then flipped her off.   I am pretty sure when I went in the house all the therapy lessons went out the door.   I must of used every cuss word I ever heard my dad use when I was growing up.  (Ok I'm on a 21 day no cussing challenge, but gritting my teeth is still in).  I made her clean the mess she made in the house and monitored her every step.   Very interesting is the very next day Sarah had a perfect score on her behavior chart at school.   This has never happened before.  She also did not have any BER reports for the week....which led me to the Halloween store on Saturday.  I also lost/fired my current nanny.   I just love her, but clearly she can not handle Sarah.
    Can I just tell you how much I dislike the Halloween Store?   I'm not sure why they have to open 6 weeks before Halloween.   I need to also tell you it is one block from my house and Sarah sees it everyday on the way to and from school.  Sarah earns chips to go places and we have been there four times already.   I also dislike the pumpkin patch by my house to that has the carnival rides.   Yes that is a fake tongue in the third picture.   She was pretty funny at Dutch Bros drive thru.  She was making the crew their crack-up.

       I met with a consultant doctor this week and I called ahead of time to see if I needed to bring Sarah.   Of course, they said yes!   Not like I had anyone to watch her.   I had to recruit some friends this week to help me out with Sarah while I find a new nanny.   Well, Miss Sarah, was a total pill.   She curled up in a ball on the couch and made odd loud noises during our 30 minute conversation (if you could call it that).   She also would not turn her phone down and continued to move it out of my reach when I tried to grab it.   I"m the parent...right?   I was trying to act like I was half way normal and not start cussing at this child (trying to remember my 21 day challenge).   Sarah also went to the waiting room to get a pen and came back with her hair wet from the water fountain they have there.  We left with a referral to an after school program that is actually in Clovis.   It might take awhile to get in, but hey there is always hope.
       Another interesting thing that happened this week is that I had to get a 1/2 day sub to go pick-up Sarah from school and take her with me to my doctor's appointment.   Thankfully my friend blessed me and picked her up from my doctor's office.   This was a blessing because I sat for almost two hours before I was actually seen for an appointment they said I had to go to or they would not refill my synthroid.   Really?  synthroid.    I have been on this for twenty years and the same dose.   I'm not to the interesting part yet.  The doctor asked how I was doing?   Ok loaded question for sure!!   I was telling him a bit about what I deal on a daily basis with Sarah.   He point blank asked me if I was going to turn her over to the state!!   ????   Huh???  Come again?  No!   I was stunned.  I was saddened that my doctor that I have been going to for years asked me this question.  Do a lot of parents give their children to the state that have issues?   I think I live under a rock.   I know that her therapist and psychiatrist have said she would probably go to a living facility, if her behavior doesn't start to improve.   I have been sent information regarding facilities.  My doctor advised me to get video cameras in and outside the house (which we were already in the process of doing).   I guess I'm sad about the whole week.   We adopted Sarah to give her a better life.   Am I missing something as her parent?   What are my next steps?   How do I keep myself healthy, work with her, and try to find her help?
       Today at church they continue to ask people for help in children ministries.   They are adding another service and of course don't have people to help.  I worked in children's ministries for over 21 years.   I'm on a break.   They mentioned reasons of why people do not attend church and not one of them was for a special needs child.   I believe families with special needs children like Sarah end up not going to church.   I don't stop going people she is a child of God.  She deserves to go to church.   Do I get called out of church every week?   The answer is yes.   I was called out today.  Sarah said her stomach hurt.   I encouraged her to go back to class and she went.  Winning!!!

Bring on this week!!!!

 Psalm 46:1-3  God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.

Nehemiah 8:10 Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength

Isaiah 41:10  So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.   I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Let's Eat Cake!!!

We went to my mom's house in Bakersfield for my niece's 4th birthday last Saturday.   We---ended up being Sarah, Eric, and me!!!  Oh well, at least three of our six-pack went to the party.  Sarah was very excited.   Sarah was very, very, excited.  She was making puff balls in the backseat out of yarn.   I didn't realize she was putting them in the birthday bag.

O.K. back up to last night...   We left horse lessons and went to Target to shop for Emma's birthday.  I guess if you want a present from us you should suggest that Sarah go with me to shop.   She has a giving heart and wanted to buy EVERYTHING for Emma (she just doesn't have any money or a job). Sarah also has pretty good taste.   "Oh Mommy, let's get this for her.   Emma would so love it"  She kept suggesting things and trying to put them in the cart.   I picked-out a dress and outfit.   Sarah then wanted to pick-out an outfit.   We then picked out the Moana necklace that was on Emma's birthday necklace.   I was then looking at the cute little dress-up clothing.   I was getting in the groove of shopping with Sarah and realize we just can't get all the Moana stuff, so I settled for the Moana necklace.  

Fast forward to the party! We forgot the swimsuit bag in Fresno, along with her change of clothes.   We also forgot her purse with the unmentionables in them.   If it was up to me they would be unmentionables, but Sarah doesn't have a filter at all.    Melinda brought her out a teeny tiny bikini and said it would fit Sarah.   The bikini looked Ok until Sarah got in the water.   It then just became a saggy mess.  She didn't care she just continued to swim.    Sarah was amazing pretty good at the party.   Her voice volume did increase by 10 and maybe 20 at times, but you can't have everything.   She was swimming and having fun with the kids.   She screamed a few times as I watched everybody jump.   It is funny, but ok not funny!!!   At one point, Sarah came running out of the bathroom with a Tampon and demanded I show-her how to put it in (remember we forgot the unmentionables).  I rushed her back in the bathroom and reminded her that was not appropriate talk at a birthday party.   Ok just appropriate talk in private with me. Thank goodness most everyone was outside.

Emma opened out gift and started pulling out all these puff balls.   I just cracked-up by the look on Emma's face.  She was just looking at them and thinking what are these?  Everyone started grabbing them and feeling them.   They are really soft and everyone gave Emma lots of suggestions of what to do with the puff balls.  LOL    I also realized that she had been making them in the car and putting them in the birthday bag.   She is sneaky and sweet all at the same time.   Sarah is sweet and salty!!!

Sarah ended-up eating more than her share of cake and ice-cream.  She had frosting on her face and shorts.   I am pretty sure that she coerced Melinda out of the rest of her cake and ice-cream.    I just thought ...oh my goodness...she will never go to sleep tonight.   Sarah stayed and played Toilet Trouble with the kids.

Shockingly,  Eric and I didn't hear but, one peep out of her on the way home!!   I was amazed by that, too.  

I am so happy she was able to go to a birthday party with kids (cousins) and have so much fun.   My heart is joyful!!

Psalm 68:3  But the righteous shall be glad; they shall exult before God; they shall be jubilant with joy!

Goofball picture!!!

 

Helping those that love Jesus accept your daughter!!

My daughter, Sarah, spent some time at Wagon Train Hume Lake this week.   I can't honestly say she didn't get to experience all of Wagon Train because she wasn't there the whole time.....the long story!!!

The plan for Sarah at Wagon Train changed and changed.   First, it was Sarah would spend the night with me a few nights and then stay in the wagons.   It changed until Wednesday night, then Thursday, and then I heard Friday night.   Sarah had an outburst the first night and it seems the counselor could never get passed it.   Hume Lake even gave Sarah a one-on-one counselor during the day (the most amazing counselor).   They still did not want her to stay during the night.   Sarah could never get passed the outburst the first night.  It was like a one strike and your are out feeling.   Sarah felt it and I felt it.  I need to be a better advocate for Sarah.  

I finally left her on Thursday morning and did not go back to check on her.   She had mostly a great day, but could not get to sleep at night.   She had some inappropriate language.   I feel if they would of let her stay Tuesday or even Sunday she would of worked it out.   She needed a chance to be apart of Wagon Train and not just a guest.  I believe she would of struggled at times.   She has outbursts.  You have to let her work through them.  She needs a cheerleader, conditional love, and praise.  

How do I come alongside her and others to help them understand Sarah?   How do I do this when I don't know how to explain her sometimes?   I don't have mental illness.  I can never profess that I understand what Sarah is going through.   I'm learning everyday how to continue to love Sarah when I don't understand.   Her brain does not connect like ours.   She is different.   She is a creation of God.   God loves her as she he made her.   I am hurt and saddened that she left camp feeling unaccepted and learning once again that she is different.   Shouldn't she be accepted by those that love Jesus?  

I am so thankful for her one-on-one, Breezy.  She just embraced Sarah and fought for her all week. She gave her praise and the love of Jesus.  I know that Sarah successes where due to Breezy.  She continued to just love on Sarah when Sarah was different from the other kids there.

Please Note:  I do not deny that Sarah is difficult and unpredictable.  I have a suicidal daughter at the age of 10 years old.   Please don't think I am in denial.   I don't use mental illness as an excuse.   It is her life and what she has to deal with.   I would take it away from her if I could.   I would give anything to take it away from her.  This is a learning process for us, her, family, friends, teachers, and the church.   

The backstory to Wagon Train:  We signed Sarah up for Wagon Train months ago.  We requested a one-on-one with our church.   We were denied because it would take another student's spot at Wagon Train.   Our church has a huge wait list.   Of course, this was hard to understand because two years ago Sarah went to Wagon Train and the church provided a one-on-one.   Sarah was there the whole week.  The church shared that Hume Lake would provide a one-on-one and would release her at night if needed to me.   I searched for a cabin.   I must of called over 30 different cabins and they were all booked.   I just kind of decided Sarah would not go to Wagon Train.   You may not think this is a big deal.   There is disappointment in life all the time.   Well, when you have a child that struggles with mental illness you want to give them any joy in this life you can.   Her hearts desire is to go to Wagon Train then I want to make that happen.   Two months go by and my friend puts up her cabin for rent.   I jumped on it and got it.   I also had a meeting with the church pastors.   I tried to explain Sarah's issues.   It is hard to explain her issues when I don't fully understand her issues.   I don't believe the doctor's understand her issues.   How am I to explain Sarah?   Sarah is different and she has problems.   She is a child of God though and we are called to love those children, too.  

The bottom line is this is hard for people.   Sarah is unpredictable and that makes others not accepting or scared.   I understand this on some level because at times she is unpredictable.   She says things that are inappropriate and has behaviors that are inappropriate.  She has angry outbursts.   I am called as a parent to continue to love her and be an advocate.  God has a funny sense of humor because this is the opposite of my personality.   I didn't realize this until Sarah joined out family.   I have always been very strong in my opinions, but what I learned is that I tend to hang back in enforcing them.   This is especially hard for me with those I am not close to.   I need help and fall short in this area especially when I'm trying to advocate for Sarah.   My prayer:   Please Father let me be her voice.   Let me be the parent you chose me to be.  

Psalm 139:14  I praise you because I am fearfully and

wonderfully made; your works are wonderful; my soul knows it very well.

Twirly Girly @ Frontier Ranch

Here is Sarah and her brother, Kyle.   Sarah went to Frontier Ranch last week.   Two of her brothers are counselors there for the summer.   The director, Twinkie, is a previous youth director at our church.  This is Kyle's (Rocky Road) third year working as a counselor and Trevor's (Gnarly) first year.   There was much talk before Sarah arrived.  They put her with the counselor, Cottontail, and a junior counselor, Shayshell.  They seemed so quiet.  Also, Emma (Swami) was in the cabin right next to them.   We drove her there on Sunday and attended the parent festivities which included Zip Lining.  How fun!!!  Sarah didn't seem to stay with us once we arrived there and basically did her own thing.   I already saw her walking with an orange soda from Frontier Bobs.   She then threw-up and layed down on her bed in her cabin (Walking S).  I was wondering how exactly they are going to keep her with the group.   I figured they would be calling me to come and get her the next day (it is a three hour drive).   Well, I didn't figure that they would call me in the car before we even got halfway home.   Twinkie said he wanted to work with us and needed some tips.   I asked exactly what she was doing.   He told me they were playing a game and she ran off.  She also went down the waterslide without permission. She also became defiant, so basically wasn't getting with the program.  Yikes!!  I gave him some tips and told him that he needed to be firm with her.   I let him know that I was willing to come back and get her at anytime.   He said he would keep me posted on the week.   

I did hear lots of stories from her brothers.  I guess the first night she was running around camp in her penguin pajamas.  She was homesick the next day and Trevor sent me pictures of her on the minibikes.   

He said she was mad after the minibikes, but pulled it together.    On Tuesday, it was 4th of July and it was sure quiet at our house.   Sarah had fun with the games they played.  

It seemed that she was doing pretty good.  I honestly couldn't believe she was still there and they didn't call me to come and get her. 

 The next call I received from Twinkie was on Thursday.  Sarah was finished swimming and hit her head in the pool.  She pretended to pass out and that is when I received a call.   Typically they call an ambulance and send the camper home, but I was thankful they didn't because she pretends to pass out on several different occasions.   I feel bad I did not inform the camp of this, but I did let the nurse know that she has fake seizures.   We talked and decided that she was on the last chance.  Any other antics and I would come and get her.  Twinkie let her know of our decision.   I then received a call from the nurse that Sarah had started her period.   She told her brothers and told all the girls that she was going through her "womanly flowering time".   She did get that from Anne with an E series on Netflix.  Oh my goodness....what are we going to do with her.   I thought how ironic would it be if they sent her home for starting her "womanly flowering time".

Fred and I drove over on Friday to have an evening in Santa Cruz.   We went on the wharf and had a nice dinner,  rode the rollercoaster, and had a drink on the beach.   We took an Uber back to the hotel and Twinkie called me to come get her.  She ran off again without permission.   She wanted to go to the nurse and she didn't have permission.   We drove to get her.  She cried and all the counselor said Goodbye to her.   Our friend's daughter (Swami) told me she didn't recognize her and then when she did Sarah told her she looked bigger than before.    Oh my goodness....I keep telling Sarah that just because it pops in your brain doesn't mean it needs to come out of your mouth.  

I'm so thankful for the week Sarah had at Frontier Ranch.  The staff was amazing as they rallied around her.  Twinkie was beyond amazing in letting her have so many chances.   I'm pretty sure they will never have another camper like Sarah.   

Here are some pictures of her actually on the waterslide when it was her cabin's turn!!!

My Life.....Up and Down

  

I made the choice to not take off next year of teaching.   I have been feeling pretty good and positive about my decision.   Sarah has had a couple of good weeks at school.   Yippee!!   I woke-up today with excitement that there is only 13 more school days.   I absolutely love my students, but I am in desperate need of a break.   My bubble was very much depleted around 11:30 am today.   Sarah's school called a few times.   She was having a bad day which led to her in handcuffs at school.   I'm in tears at my school in front of my students.   My student have no idea what is going on, but I managed to get them to the lunchroom.   My school is amazing because they deployed my kids for me and I ran over to my daughter's school to talk to the officer.   The officer basically told me that he had to send her to a facility to be evaluated.   I begged and pleaded with him.   I finally had to accept that once again it was not in my control any longer.   I was unable to go with her and I was told they would call after an intake interview.   I went ahead and went home and waited.  Sarah called in a few hours to ask me for pajamas.   I finally was able to talk to a nurse and decided to go take Sarah her pajamas.   She played a quick game of checkers and then told us to leave.  I told the nurse were we leaving and to call after the doctor sees her.   She looked at me perplexed and I told her Sarah wanted us to leave.   I explained that her attention span is about five minutes.   Trevor and I stopped to grab food and as soon as we arrived home the doctor called to let me know that she was being discharged.   It was very perplexing to me how they make a determination on a ten-year-old child without any medical background.   I'm actually thankful because I wanted to bring her home.    I'm saddened for all the kids out there that need help and are probably not getting it.  I will continue to pray for mental health awareness and more doctors to enter the field of psychiatry (especially for children).   

My day started on an up and plummeted to a downward spiral, but as I have hope for the future and for Sarah.  I know that I need to take it one second, one minutes, and one day at a time.  I choose to be joyful. Is it wrong to be joyful?    I place my faith and hope in Jesus.   He knows the walk we are walking and our faith will stand firm.   I know others may not understand my faith.   It is what keeps me going and the love I have for this sweet girl.  

I Corinthians 13:7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 

Prayers for Sarah!!

I have so much to blog about right now, but I feel this will be Sarah's story to tell later, so this blog is mostly about my struggle in this.

Sarah has had a rough week and now she has a stomach bug.   I have had a rough week.   My family has had a rough week.  My friends, my support system, they have been down on their knees. Thank-you for every prayer.  God hears them!

 I'm not sure how many more tears that I can cry, but they are still there.   Tears are a reminder to me that I am not in control here.  I kept waking-up last night and just thinking about Sarah. I think I was up all night.  I continued to pray, plead, and cry for Sarah.    I continue to have to remind myself that I need to trust God in this situation.   God gave her to us and she is His.   I can not live in fear of what is going to happen.   I need to trust that He will get me through this second, minute, hour, and day.   God will get her through this second, minute, hour, and day.  Please continue to pray with me for Sarah.   Pray for her recovery and healing.   Pray for her peace and comfort.   Pray for the doctor's wisdom.   Pray for healing.   Pray for ......what will help her.  Pray to bring her home.  Please pray for strength for me, my family, doctors, my support system, and friends!!!  I love this girl, so I can't imagine how much God loves her as he has created her.

Isaiah 41:10-  Fear not, for I am with you.  Do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you.  I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous hand.